March 28, 2024

My brain on grocery shopping

Editor's Note: This column originally published Sept. 8, 2014.

Alright, I’m going to make this quick. I do not need to be at the grocery store for long. I have my list and I’m sticking to it. Oh no, I left my list in the car. Ugh, why do I even use paper lists anymore? I’m turning into my mother. I could easily put it on my phone. Oh no, where’s my phone? Where’s my phone? Oh, there it is. Whew.

Recycle your plastic bags here … this marks the millionth time I’ve forgotten our reusable bags and failed to recycle our plastic bags. I’m singlehandedly ruining the environment.

OK. Groceries, groceries, groceries.

I’m so glad that random lady once told me I should grab the sanitizing wipes BEFORE I grab my cart. Genius. I never think of stuff like that. I wonder how many hands have touched this cart. I hate those studies that tell you how many germs are on things. Ew. So gross. Shoot, I fell asleep before Jimmy Fallon last night. I wonder if he read my tweet on #hashtags? Probably not. Someone would have texted me. What if everyone I know was asleep though? I’m watching the DVR recording as soon as I get home. All the more reason to make this quick.

OK …. Apples. Apples … yes the kids love apples. Didn’t one of them want caramel dip? Maybe that was me. I’m not getting light caramel dip. I should though. Maybe I’ll just let the kids eat it. I wonder when we’re going to the apple orchard, anyway. Wow, that means it’s pretty much jeans season. I need new jeans. I should really inventory my fall wardrobe.

Lettuce, carrots, grapes, bananas. Check. Do we need tomatoes? Yes, we do. I hate buying tomatoes. My parents have a gazillion tomatoes and here I am buying them. I think my husband threw out our last batch too early. He’d never admit it. We’re on such different wavelengths on storing fresh vegetables. Even after I sent him that article about what foods you don’t refrigerate. That’s such a minor detail though. I have to stop nagging him about stuff like that. If he stopped cooking for us we’d all starve to death.

Where’s Chef Dale? Hmmm. I’m kind of hungry. I buy more than I should when I’m shopping hungry. I shouldn’t be so dependent on food samples at the store. I’m an adult.

Do we need bread? I feel like we probably need bread. Although I think our friends have completely cut bread from their diet. How did they do that? At least they don’t post about it on Facebook. But if they did, I would know how they did it. It doesn’t matter. I love bread too much. I’m getting two bags.

What else? I feel like we have enough cereal, but we never have enough cereal. Oh I’m going to make scotcharoos! What’s that syrup stuff called? Karo syrup. Where is it? It’s not in the pancake aisle. I should ask someone that works here. No, it’s a dumb question. I’m texting my friend. Oatmeal aisle? No, that’s the same as the pancake aisle. I’ll just call my husband. He knows. Why does he know this stuff when I don’t? He says it’s the baking aisle. Whatever. I’ve already checked there. Oh … it’s right there. This is why HE should do the shopping.

Oh there's that lady from church. Gosh what's her name? I'm horrible at names. Does she see me? I always just say hi — it would be nice to say "Hi Nancy" or "Hi Pat." I need to get better at memorizing names. That trick my brother uses where he associates the new person's name with someone he already knows with the same name just doesn't work for me.
Alright that's it. I'm grabbing pizza and yogurt and leaving. I feel like that's a healthy balance.

Eggs. I need eggs too. Owning chickens is so trendy. I don’t think we eat enough eggs to own chickens. There’s probably an online quiz I can take to be sure.

Score — no line at checkout. If I unload quickly I’ll still have time to scope out Angelina Jolie’s wedding dress without buying the magazine. I wonder how many people organize their groceries on the conveyor like I do. It usually doesn’t impact how they are bagged. I would bag my own groceries if I could. I wonder if they have store policy about that. I’d look like a crazy woman. What am I saying? I am a crazy woman.

Contact Abigail Pelzer
at apelzer@newtondailynews.com