It’s funny, but despite only being three and half hours from Kansas City, winter in Iowa feels a lot more brutal.
I mean you guys get more snow and lower temperatures, yet everyone around me is like, ‘This winter has been kind of mild.’ I look back at them simply astonished that six inches of snow and off and on weeks of negative temperatures is considered mild.
As much as I want to harp on winter in this column, this article isn’t about the negative aspects of winter. Nope, it is instead about the most important fact of winter; the fact that winter is the season of the corpulent gentleman.
Whether you call us extra healthy, husky, rotund, pudgy, chubby, fluffy or plain ol’ fat boys this is our time to shine. You see all of the skinny and in shape guys get spring and summer to show off their flesh and bones and I’m sure the tank top industry appreciates those guys’ efforts.
But winter and fall is the BIG MAN’s time to shine.
I’m six-foot-three and currently weigh in at 230 pounds. As much as I hate the cold I know that this is the season I am at my most fashionable and most appealing. Much like the wealthy men of the medieval era, more meat shows vitality, success, and comfort in the cooler time of the year. And I truly embrace this.
If you see me around town I’m usually sporting a very nice charcoal Orisue peacoat and a winter knit hat that usually matches the colors that I’m wearing that day. And on days the cold is tolerable, I can be seen running around in a variety of colored varsity or track jackets.
I also have a sweater closet. Yes, a sweater closet.
You see the sweater looks best on men with more meat on their bones. We own the sweater look. Our thin counter parts at times seem sickly and sometimes out of place rocking a sweater.
It just doesn’t look right out without having a round stomach to compliment the design.
Think about it. If Bill Cosby didn’t have his little stomach pouch, would his iconic sweater collection from the classic “Cosby Show” even be remembered?
Need further proof? Think about Fred Flintstone. He is known for his one-of-a-kind orange fur sweater, which was complimented by black abstract triangles and his signature blue sheered tie.
Sweaters just look better on guys with meat on their bones. Sweaters aren’t meant to hug the body like Reynolds Wrap over a casserole dish.
Even history backs up these facts. Former President Bill Clinton is a notorious ladies man as well as a fashionable fat guy. Another former president, Teddy Roosevelt, is known for his manly exploits as well as his trademark glasses and rotundness.
And Henry VIII, perhaps the most famous monarch in British history, was quite the fashion connoisseur and managed to snag six wives and countless paramours because of his weight and not in spite of it. Being the king and rich probably also helped him out just a tiny bit, as well.
But fashion isn’t the only reason this is our time to shine. The fairer sex looks for a man who can protect them, either consciously or subconsciously, and ladies know that a skinny guy isn’t going to protect from Jack Frost and his evil cold minions.
Nope, that is a job for the big guys. We can provide a shield from winter’s harsh touch, keep you warm and make the best body pillows.
In case you don’t take my word for it, a female coworker of mine anonymously confided that, “bigger guys are more comfortable to lay on.” Now, keep in mind that it was anonymous sources that brought down Nixon, so that should tell you how important that quote is to backing up this story.
But all jokes aside, this winter has not been fun for me weather-wise. I have been forced to use heat in my apartment (cheap guys hate using utilities) and stepping out of the bathroom after a shower is like having frozen daggers slice across my body. However, it’s all worth it when I step out in a nice sweater and I feel the double take that I’m sure my thinner counterparts don’t experience. So yeah it’s cold, but hey this is the official season of fat boys, and I will take full advantage of it.
Staff writer Ty Rushing may be contacted at (641)-792-3121, ext. 426, or at firstname.lastname@example.org via email.